Life's Bloopers

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  • IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. 
  • IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken. 
  • IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. 
  • ON A CHURCH DOOR:: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance) 
  • OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. 
  • QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council. 
  • NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. 
  • IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness. 
  • SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car 
  • SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor. 
  • NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. 
  • MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. 
  • ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work) 
  • SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below. 

Church Bulletin Bloopers

  • Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight  at  Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

  • Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

  • The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus."

  • Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

  • "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping  around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. 

  • Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

  • Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

  • Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. 

  • During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

  • The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple Children.

  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 

  • Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

  • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.

  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

  • This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

  • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

  • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use back door.

  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.  The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

  •  The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge  - Up Yours."

  • The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any church.

  •  Evening massage-6pm.

  •  The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

  • Ushers will eat latecomers.

  • The 3rd verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

  • The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

  • The Pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy"

  • During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

  • Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.  The pastor will then speak on "It's A Terrible Experience"

  • Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

  • Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

  • The music for toadies service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300h anniversary of his birth,

  • The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success.  Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

  • 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening.  Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet. The Lord Knows Why.

  • A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday

  • Today's Sermon HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK?  with hymns from a full choir.

  • Hymn 3: "Great  God, what do I see here?"  Preacher: the Rev Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding"

  • On a church bulletin during the ministers illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better 

  • Don't let worry kill you off-let the church help

  • The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11

  • Pastor is on vacation.  Massages can be given to church secretary

  • 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones

  • The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir

  • Please join us as we show support of Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child

  • Weight watchers will meet at 7pm. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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Run That by Me Again
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